H2O? More Like H2Oh No She's Hot
by DippertheShipper
Summary: John Egbert loves hanging out on the beach and collecting seashells. But when he's forced into a cave by a thunder storm and almost drowns, he's saved by a beautiful mermaid named Roxy Lalonde! As they talk more and more, John develops a crush on her. But when your crush is a completely different species, how can you expect things to work out? (Oh YEAH this is a cheesy rom-com)
1. The One Where John Almost Drowns

A cool breeze brushed against John's face as he walked along the the beach. He dug his toes into the wet sand, pausing for a moment to draw a smiley face in sand with his foot.

"Perfect," he said to himself.

The overcast sky gave everything a blue-gray tint to it, blanketing the sun in clouds. John didn't mind, of course. He loved clear sunny days, but the grey skies were perfect for relaxing and walking along the beach, in his opinion.

Running over to where the ocean met the beach, John waded knee deep into the water to collect seashells. The cold water slapped against his body, occasionally leaping up to his upper body, causing a shiver to run down his spine.

Interrupting John's pleasant stroll through the beach, a starburst of pain spread through his foot.

Ooooooowwwww! Damn it, what was that? He thought.

Sand flew everywhere as John awkwardly hopped out of the stinging salt water.

As soon as he dragged himself to relative safety, John sat down and inspected the wound.

Sand fell loosely off John's foot. Embedded in his foot was a teeny-weeny little pink seashell. From the looks of it, John had accidentally stepped on a fuchsia conch.

Now this. This was a find! Smiling, John slipped the tiny seashell into the pocket of his swim trunks. He would totally have to show Jade this when he got home.

BABOOM! Thunder crackled in the distance, and rain began pouring down.

"Fuck!" John swore. The ocean was not a good place to be during a thunderstorm. One stray lightning strike while he was wet could lead to deep fried John for dinner.

Scrambling away from the ocean, John looked around for shelter. Panicky, he whirled his head around at the unfamiliar surroundings.

He nearly wet his pants when he realized that he had accidentally walked away from human civilization. There was nothing but beach for two miles on either side of him.

Of course, he couldn't just stand out in the rain. That was worse than doing nothing at all.

Something in the distance caught his eye. It looked like some sort of…. Cavey thing? Either way, it was surrounded by palm trees, which hopefully would act as a lighting rod while he waited out the storm.

John sprinted towards the cave. With each step he took, he counted the seconds between each lightning strike and the subsequent boom, to calculate how far away the storm was.

Seven...Eight...Nine...Ten...Eleven…

John got to twenty two before he heard the boom.

"So, what's that?" He muttered to himself, slowing to a jog, "Like… three miles? Heh. I should be okay."

Finally, he reached the cave. It was a huge grey mass of rock that jutted out of a small cliff John hadn't noticed before. He pulled out his phone to act as a flashlight, and headed in.

Light bounced off crystals and rocks growing inside the cave. A tiny crab scuttled along the damp sand. Even though he was forced in by a thunderstorm, John had to admit, the cave was pretty cool.

The cave wasn't terribly big, so John crossed his legs, sat down, and started to wait the storm out. Sea salt floated in on a breeze, and a cool mist kept John at just the right temperature. It was almost enjoyable! He was doodling another smiley face in the sand with a piece of driftwood when suddenly it hit him: Nana and Jade were probably worried sick about him!

Guilt started to eat John up. If he just hadn't wandered so far from home, he wouldn't be in this situation right now! With a small sigh, he pulled up Jade's number on his phone, and gave it a call.

Tensions hung in the air as John waited to see if his call would go through. He bit his lip, and…

"Can not make call, no service? God dammit!" John shouted, kicking over a tiny rock.

A gasp and a thudding noise caused John to perk up from his fit of irritation.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" John said tentatively. He started walking towards the source of the mysterious thudding noise.

"Hey, sorry for startling you earlier. I didn't really know anyone else was here. Hehe, I guess you wanted to stay out of that storm too!" John said.

The only response was a small splashing noise from John's left.

Puzzled, John kept walking in that direction. Suddenly, he was smacked between the eyes by what was clearly the most logical explanation: The person was drowning!

"Oh shit!" John started sprinting through the cave. "Don't worry! If you're drowning, I'll come get you! We can try to flag down the coast guard!"

Just as he had feared, when he reached what looked like a small grotto with a hole in the bottom that lead to the ocean, there was nobody to be found.

He pulled off his shirt, put down his glasses and kicked away his flip flops. "Just hold on! I'm coming!" John shouted. He took a deep breath and dove headfirst into the water.

The cool water engulfed John, as if it were welcoming him home after a hard day's work. Ignoring the stinging saltwater, John opened his eyes, searching desperately for the drowning person. His eyes landed on a blurry humanoid figure. With a steely resolve, John raced towards the fleshy-looking blur, trying to make sure it was a person, and not a big fish.

Well, John was half right.

A lithe young girl, about his age, floated above him in the water. She had shining blonde hair, a few freckles spattered here and there, and a slightly curved triangular nose.

Oh, and a tail. Did John mention the tail?

John was in the presence of a living, breathing mermaid.

He let out a gasp. Oh boy, getting caught in that storm was totally worth-

Shit.

John forgot how breathing worked, and accidently inhaled a gulp of water. When John had gone to Junior Swimmers Summer Day Camp, he prepared for a whole lot of situations, but not exactly this one.

Frantically floundering as fast as he could, John made a beeline for the cave. His arms pumped as hard as the could, trying to turn the little energy they had left into moving the as much water as possible. A burning sensation started in his throat, spreading throughout the rest of his body. Every cell in his body was making a desperate plea for air, pulling in all different directions as they scrambled for oxygen.

John wondered if this was what dying felt like. It was kind of funny, that he was worried about getting struck by lightning and then wound up drowning himself.

In fact, it was so funny, John almost didn't notice the mermaid catching his body, and guiding him safely to the surface.

After what felt like an eternity, John breached the surface of the cave. He inhaled deeply and coughed seawater out of his lungs. Thankfully, the water he inhaled wasn't enough to kill him, or cause him to pass out. More and more water came out of John's mouth, until he felt safe enough to collapse in the shallow pool of water covering the cave floor.

Salty tears mixed with salty water, John feeling himself all over to make sure he was actually alive. He didn't mean to cry, it just kind of came out… Everything was so sudden and terrifying to him.

"Hey, pal, are you okay?"

John pushed his sopping wet hair out of his eyes and felt for his glasses. The same blonde girl he had seen earlier leaned over him.

John blinked a couple times. This was the girl he saw earlier, who apparently was not in fact drowning, and was real, and he was not dead, which could only mean-

"You're a mermaid!" John said in shock.

"Welp, I guess the jig is up!" The girl jested. "Womp!" She pulled her tail out of the water, where it landed on the cave floor with a wet flop.

"Uh, first of all, thanks for saving my life," John said.

"No problem! I couldn't just just go and leave you to drown, could I?" She said. "The name's Roxy, by the way!" She said, sticking out her hand.

The gesture touched John in a weird way. Like, 'Hey, you thought I was drowning, tried to save me, and almost drowned yourself in the process! Also, I'm a mermaid! Wanna shake hands?' He turned around to accept it.

"Well, uh, thanks Roxy! Man, I mean… that was… really scary. Yup!" John fumbled. Anyway, I've watched Aquamarine before, and I have to ask, how come you haven't disappeared off into the depths of the ocean, only to flick your tail at me mysteriously and cause me to question whether the girl I saw was a figment of my imagination or not?"

"Eeehhh," Roxy shrugged. "I didn't really mean to, but you saw me, and I wasn't gonna let you drown or anything, cause I'm not a gigantic soggy dick, so I just brought you to the surface. I figured, you know, it would be better to hang around and talk things over than to risk him remembering me anyway and have him go looking for me again."

"Oh, okay," John said, kicking his feet in the water a bit. "That makes sense."

"Besides," Roxy chirped, leaning in towards John, "I have some questions I want to ask you!"

"Oh!" John said, blushing a little at the thought of a literal mermaid being in awe of him. "Hehe, shoot away, Roxy!"

"Sweet!" She said. "Question number one: What is a gigantic soggy dick?"


	2. The One Where Roxy Asks About Dicks

_Oh God, why did that have to be the first question she asked._

John tried not to think about how hard he was blushing and stammered, "Uh, well, Roxy, you see, a dick is like this… bug tubey reproductive organ that humans have. Well, not all humans, I guess. Only boys have them. Er, no, that's not right, sometimes girls have them too, but that doesn't always happen. I mean, they are still girls, but there's people who don't think so, I guess? Man, why did this have to be your opening question?"

This was the most awkward position John had been in for as long as he could remember. First, a kinda cute girl saves his life, turns out to be a member of a mythical species, and now, while he's only wearing swim trunks, she wants to know about dicks.

"Hey, where did you even hear about dicks in the first place? Do mermaids have, like, weird fish penises?"

"Oh, I like to people-watch," Roxy said, twirling her tail in the air, "I heard a couple of teenagers say it, and I was all like 'hot damn, that's a fun word to say!' Plus, I totally wanted to impress you with my knowledge of human vocabulary."  
John's buck toothed mouth soured into a frown. "So that's a no?"

Giggling, Roxy gave John a gentle shove. "No, silly, mermaids don't have dicks. Our reproductive system is kinda weird. You see-" She, said, clearly about to launch into a detailed explanation of how mermaids have sex.

For the second time that day, John struggled to breathe.

 _Why is this so awkward. Why is this so awkward. Why is this so awkward. Why is this-_

"Can we change the subject?" John asked, the tell-tale hitch of puberty in his throat.

Roxy paused and looked at him pensively. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Sorry for bringing kinky mermaid sex into this whole thing. Y'know, I never got your name."

"Oh," John blinked. "The name's Egbert." He leaned back and made a gun with his hands. "John Egbert. I guess you wouldn't really get that reference, though. Oh man, you're missing out on so much. See, it's from this really cool human movie called _James Bond_ , but there are lots of them, and it's about this super sweet spy dude who goes around saving the world-"

Roxy stopped him short by gently taking his hand. "You know what? Why don't we watch it together sometime? It sounds really cool."

For some reason, Roxy's proposal made John's heart fuzz up inside his chest like a warm bottle of apple cider. Honestly, getting to show the coolest mermaid in the world James Bond sounded like an amazing plan to him.

"Sure!" He replied. "Now, you've asked your question, can I have a turn?"

"Ask away, Johnny-O!" Roxy said.

Scratching his chin thoughtfully, John sifted through potential questions. When you got to talk to a real, live mermaid, what did you even ask her?

"What's it like?"

"Huh?"

"What's it like?" John repeated, somewhat bashfully. "Y'know, being a mermaid. I mean, you've got a tail, which is kinda weird, I guess? And you live underwater. Also, if you breathe water, how have you been sitting in this cave for so long?"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Roxy chastised. "I said one question at at time. Them's the rules!"

"But," she said playfully, "Because I am an ever gracious and kind mermaid, I'll answer both for ya!"

Scooting back into the wall, John settled down to listen to what Roxy had to say.

"First of all," she began, waving the hand in the air like an overenthusiastic elementary school teacher, "I can breathe above water 'cause mermaids have mini lungs in our chests that lets us stay above water for pretty long periods of time. We still need to stay wet though. Otherwise we kinda die. Like a fish. Secondly, being a mermaid is literally the coolest thing in the entire world! This is the number one thing they will teach you at mermaid school. But seriously though, sometimes it kinda sucks ass, so to speak. Like, y'know, you don't really have internet."

"No internet!" John gasped.

"Nope," Roxy replied. "How'd'ja expect us to get complicated technology to run underwater?"

"Right."

"Okay, okay, okay. That's kind of a lie. Like, technically we have _one_ computer somebody waterproofed, but that belongs to the Condesce, and there's no way in hell I'm getting my hands on that."

"The Condesce?" John asked, raising an eyebrow.

With a slap of her tail, Roxy sprayed John in the the crystal clear cave water.

"Hey, you already asked two questions! That is totes unfair. Now, I get to ask two questions! Muahahaha!" Roxy jested.

Rolling his eyes, John sighed at the antics of the silly mermaid. He had to concede that today, the prankster's gambit was exploding in her favor.

"Okay, Roxy, go for it!"

"Hmmmm, I already asked ya what a dick was," Roxy muttered. "Ooh! I know! Why are you out here during a storm? I mean, I know why _I'm_ out here, but what are you doing?"

"Yeah, that," John said, flicking a rock into the hole that lead to the ocean. "I dunno, I guess I was just looking around for seashells? But then I kinda wandered away from home, and then from all the other humans, and I kinda got caught in the storm."

"Hmm... Interesting….." Roxy said, puckering her lips and scratching her chin.

Suddenly, her face lit up and her scaly pink tail started flailing everywhere. With a final slap of her, Roxy looked at John with a grin like she had just chugged eight bottles of coke, and was riding the simultaneous sugar and caffeine high.

"Oh shit! I just thought of something! Hold on, John."

A shiny rock had temporarily distracted John. "Huh?" he said.

But by then, Roxy had already gracefully slipped through the cave exit.

"Aw, dang it!" John said with a frown. Barely over an hour with a super cool mermaid friend and he'd already managed to scare her off.

Just then, Roxy's head popped into the cave.

"Hey, John!" She said.

"You're still here?" he said incredulously.

"Yuppers! And guess what? The fricking storm blew right on outta here!"

"Sweet!" John said.

"And now," Roxy said, folding her arms across the cave floor in a classic mermaid pose, "I have my final question to ask you."

"Oh? Final? Okay then, I guess." John replied, secretly a bit disappointed.

"Do you….." she started, wiggling her eyebrows, "Want to do this again sometime?"

"Really!" John exclaimed, breaking into a wide, joyful, bucktoothed smile. "Like, really really?"

" For realsies, really really!" Roxy replied with a laugh. "Howzabout next Tuesday? Around three?"

John started to reach for his phone, to write it down, but then remembered he'd drop dead before he forgot a rendezvous with such a nice and friendly person. And a mermaid too, at that!

"Sure thing, Roxy! I guess you wanna meet up here again?" John asked, leaning over to be eye-to-eye with Roxy.

"God damn. This is one hell of a plan we've got right here. In fact, it is so perfect, I think we can go our separate ways, seeing as this is so sorted out." she replied.

"You're leaving already?" John pouted, taking her by the hand.

"Bluh, sorry!" she winced. "I really, really have to go. People might start getting worried."

And just like that, she was gone.

With a mellow sigh, John walked out of the cave. Rays of sun peeked out over clouds, unfortunately bright compared to the inside of the cave.

John squinted. Roxy was right, the storm did clear up.

A new resolve filled John as he walked back home to Jade and Nanna.

He couldn't wait until Tuesday.


End file.
